Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now