Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

no their not

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

A short story of betrayal:

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one