Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
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Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter