Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.