Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It’s a mystery
Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone’s life.
*flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road*
ME: I also have big news.
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Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
that’s disgusting (unless you’re up for it?)
*puts kid in tub*
*forgets about kid*
*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.
I mean, I’ve got Norton but.