Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone’s life.

*flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road*

ME: I also have big news.

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Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It’s a mystery


Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking


I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games


Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes


*puts kid in tub*

*checks twitter*

*forgets about kid*


*remembers kid*

*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*


[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine


[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim


I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.

I mean, I’ve got Norton but.