After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.