newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
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How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.