newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Saturday
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same