newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
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I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”