newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
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I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty