Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA