Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
You Might Also Like
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Good morning
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression