Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools