Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Too easy.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Saving my good tweets for marriage

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower