Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
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wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
