Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
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I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.