Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
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Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
