Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

yea so i messed up lol

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz