Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
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It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.