Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
You Might Also Like
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.