Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
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“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
hackers play passwordle
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
the official breakfast of 2021
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”