Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out