Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever