Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

True freaking story!

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?