Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

I cannot stop laughing at this

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol