Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host