Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

“You’d better run, egg!”

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

They did not miss in the small print

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery