Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Dune (2021)
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
listen closely
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
checking out some reviews of my local library
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint