Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
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If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥