Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
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Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Any refunds available?…
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship