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It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
😭😭😭
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”