One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
What about second breakfast?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Well, that should do it
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
When I snag the last meatball.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home