Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

I’d hang this in my house.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul