Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

A Match(.com), but for socks.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

🍞🦆

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.