Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
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7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
It’s the weekend y’all
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.