Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

me and the Superbowl rn

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:

“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler