Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun