next question.
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*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas