The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Next season on Game of Thrones they’re actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching.
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her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?