@GaryJanetti

Next season on Game of Thrones they’re actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching.

You Might Also Like

@TheWeirdWorld

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

@mrjohndarby

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

@Taryn_

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.

@JohnLyonTweets

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

@TonyWIVK

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

@CovertAgentP

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

@knot_eye

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …