Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
😩😩😩
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.