Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
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More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Botany good plants lately?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.