Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
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Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
The three genders
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle