Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

your elf on the shelf was delicious

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please