Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

Oh we’ve met.

me when the borders lift

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.