Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
life lately
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.