Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Meow
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
my fav colour is also hitler
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?