Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
his wife is probably gonna see that
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
I know
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven