Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
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me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
reminder
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.