Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I have obtained a hat
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GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I have so many questions.
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just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”