Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
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sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
What the dentist sees
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.