Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.