Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
That’s fair
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them