Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

hand it over!

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?