“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??