“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
hand it over!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
New Tinder profile.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
definitely did not do anything wrong
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene