Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”