Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one