Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
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You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
why isn’t thunder called soundning