Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
You Might Also Like
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Good point.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!