Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
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this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Beware of the “party goblin”…
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me