Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
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My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
❤️❤️❤️
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?