Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”![]()
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
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Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien