Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
You Might Also Like
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The only good comments section online is on recipes
