Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.