Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

When you kidnap a writer.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis