Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.