Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

No chill.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.