Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

Family Celebrity

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE