Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
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Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”