Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

Never forget.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*