Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I have never heard an armadillo before.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

How do I get a job writing these texts

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…