Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
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Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw