Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
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Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
12. I think about this all the damn time
