Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
This was a bad idea all around
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.