Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.