Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
hey, alexa
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd