Nuts I like:
Nuts I don’t like:
Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.
Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.
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Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
HOES BE LIKE
Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh
Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll
Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]